paddington: i put gay rights in the marmalade
if you aren’t a woman who was subtly ostracized and isolated during her formative years idk how to really relate to you
09:08 am
me as a father 20 years from now: how was school kids? snatch any wigs today?
12:55 pm
*calls employer after job interview*
me: oh um, hello, i was here for a job interview last week and i was just wondering how it went? *clenches teeth and holds my breath*
employer: oh sorry the job opening went to someone else
me: is it my pussy stink or…..?
01:34 pm
The Two-Headed Calf
Tomorrow when the farm boys find this
freak of nature, they will wrap his body
in newspaper and carry him to the museum.
But tonight he is alive and in the north
field with his mother. It is a perfect
summer evening: the moon rising over
the orchard, the wind in the grass. And
as he stares into the sky, there are
twice as many stars as usual.
by Laura Gilpin, The Hocus-Pocus of the Universe
British people be like
*wakes up during a heart transplant*
Right what’s all this then
11:33 pm
what does it mean when a guy says hi to you
he’s lying
12:08 am